Autumn Squash Muffins
5 cups cooked squash (3 cups smashed to shit, 2 cups chopped into tiny fucking little pieces)
4 cups flour
3 cups raw cane sugar (Yes, raw cane sugar. If you wanna use that other shit, you're going to have to adjust the goddamn recipe, and then it will be YOUR recipe, not mine, and you can do what the fuck you want with it. I don't care. This is my recipe, and if you want it to turn out as delicious as mine, then you will do what I fucking say.)
¾ cup melted butter (BUTTER. Not margarine, asshat. BUH. TURRRR.)
¾ cup olive oil
6 CHICKEN eggs (Yes, I have had to make this distinction before. Duck eggs are too oily. Goose eggs are too big. And if you have 6 OSTRICH eggs, motherfucker, you have a whole nother set of problems I am not going to address, which may very well include some extremely pissed off ostriches gunning for your ass. Just stick with the chicken eggs and you'll be safe.)
2 cups mixed raisins (You have a problem with things being "mixed?" You don't get to use my recipe. Go away.)
2 Tbs baking powder
2 Tbs vanilla (Or rum. Here is the one thing I encourage you to experiment with. Try different flavor liquors and see what you can come up with. 2 Tbs is just enough to add a subtle undertone without fucking up the goddamn flavor. Besides- now you have an excuse to buy more liquor. "It's an INGREDIENT, honey. I HAVE to buy it.")
1 tsp baking soda
1 Tbs kosher salt
1 Tbs cinnamon
1 Tbs fresh grated nutmeg
1 tsp ground clove
In a big fucking bowl, sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt together. Put it somewhere that it won't fall off the goddamn counter.
Crack the eggs into a little bowl, and then pour them from there one at a time into your mixer, so you dont get shells and shit in there. Whip that bitch. While it's getting beaten, toss in the melted butter, sugar - well, everything else but the flour stuff, the pumpkin, and the raisins. Turn your noisy-ass machine down to the low speed setting - because you're gonna wake the kids if you keep that noise up for too much longer - and add the flour until it's just combined. Take the bowl off the mixer, and using a rubber scraper spatula thingy, gently add in the pumpkin and the raisins. Now that that's done, have a drink.
Scoop into muffin cups. Bake for 33 minutes at 325. Stab with a knife. Preferably the muffins. If it comes out gooey, THEY'RE NOT DONE, AND YOU DIDN'T FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. If it comes out with a few little crumblies, you're good to go! Have more drinkys and wait for muffins to cool. Then nosh on your grubbage.