Tuesday, April 22, 2014

There is no Daddy, only Zu'ulllll

R:"Daddy, why does your bed go "EEE-ERR EEE-ERR EEE-ERR -"
Me:"Because you shut the hell up, that's why."
R:(grinning)"Ha ha ha! No, seriously. I'm serious. Your bed goes "EEE-ERR" ALL THE TIME."
Me:"You want the truth? Okay - it's not the bed. We're building a boat for all of god's animals-"
R:(interrupting)"HA! Nahhhhh...you're kiddin'..."
Me:(sighing)" Okay. For reals this time. So, here's the thing - when two people love each other very much, there are monsters that try to -"
Me:"I'm serious. Just shut up and listen. When two people love each other very much, there are monsters that try to get in your brain, your heart, and kill that love. Goblins and ghouls and ghosts -"

Me:"And werewolves... Those monsters have names like "Insecurity" and "Fear" and "Nightmare". Mommy and Daddy have to fight these monsters together, and by doing so, make our armor of luuuuuv stronger. Most often, talking and active listening are the best way to deal with the bogeymen. Remember active listening? (R nods) That is one of the most powerful tools in our arsenal. But we also really like the hands-on approach to battling the monsters. When you hear the noises you're not supposed to be hearing because you're not supposed to be up, that's Mommy and Daddy bustin' out some kick-ass ninja moves to power up our love armor and defeat the brain-goblins."

R:(eyeing me skeptically)"Is that real?"
Me:"Sure is. But here's the thing - it takes all of our concentration to fight these monsters, so you can NEVER interrupt us. NEVER OPEN THE DOOR. In fact, it's best if you just go right back to bed and right back to sleep, because if you interrupt us for any reason, the goblins will suck our faces right off! And then they WILL EAT OUR SOULS!!!"
Me:"Do you want to take the chance that it isn't?"

Me:"Then stay in bed when you're supposed to be sleeping and stay the hell away from our room when the door is closed!"