Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I am the terror that flaps in the night...

O coffee,

you deliciously bitter life-sustaining nectar...

How your smelly smell wakes my senses

after having spent the better part of a night tending to whiny kids who played too hard and didn't take a nap, so, for some unfathomable reason, at 3 o' frackin' clock in the morning, they sit bolt upright in their bed and scream "I WANT BANANA PANCAKES!!!" In this indescribably horrible screech that melts already faltering synaptic response into a puddle of useless penguin poop, causing me to lumber wild-eyed and disheveled into their room, demanding in a voice laced with hints of brimstone, "WHY?!?!" at which point the child, seeing their father in this state, screams the long, dwindling scream of someone pushed over the edge of sanity, and passes out from sheer terror.

Sweet, sweet coffee...

Monday, August 15, 2011

Boogie - "I want a girled cheese sandwich for dinner."
Me - ""Girled" cheese, huh?"
Boogie "Yeah. Not a boyed cheese sandwich."
Me - "Um. Okay. What's the difference?"
Boogie - "Boyed cheese have a penis in them."
Robot "With a TA-MAW-TOE!"
I had to ask. Ew.

Me: "you guys want apples or plums?"
B:" No, plum."
R:"Are you an evil witch?"
B:"Good idea Roman!"
R:"Okay, apple then."
B:"Yeah, apple."
Me:"You guys know if I WAS an evil witch, I wouldn't tell you I'm an evil witch, right?"
R:*look of intense thought*
B:"Okay, then Apple JUICE. And you drink some too."

B: "What movie did you see?"
Me: "Cowboys and Aliens."
B: "You mean Toy Story?"