Monday, April 30, 2012

As god is my witness, I'll never be hungry again...

Confession time. So. I have a little secret - I'm sort of a food snob. Not in the snooty "I only eat caviar massaged from the wombs of virgin beluga floated to me on crackers made of angel farts" way, but in the "I feed my kids tons of organic fresh fruits and vegetables and meats and very little processed food so when you offer my kid a Twinkie I'm liable to insert said Twinkie into the most uncomfortable orifice on your person" way. So when moms would tell me "All my child eats is peanut butter and jelly," I always thought - and I think I may actually have said this to several  moms - "It's because you don't know how to cook well, or you are choosing not to feed them good food." Yeah. Well, turns out, I'm kind of a jerk. I have my own reasons for hating PB&J, and I never really took into account the kids side of it, that they might actually like peanut butter and jelly. Until now. When it is the only thing my children request to eat. For every meal. Ever. My children. The broccoli loving, fast food hating, water guzzling, juice-is-too-sweet-for-us champions of healthy, constant consumption.These kids would rather have a peanut butter sandwich than PIZZA. PIIIIIZZAAAAA!!! In fact, they actually HATE pizza. What. Thehell. I mean, I know it's not the healthiest food, but C'MON! I thought that was every kids go-to food.
Self-doubt sets in. I'm sobbing in the corner going "What have I done wrong?!?! Why?! Why do they hate me?! WAHHHHH!!!! Is it my cooking? Does it actually suck, and all this time people have just been being nice to me, when really, they thought I was feeding them roadkill skunk scraped off the freeway, slathered in frog sauce and slapped on a plate?"
I'm a feeder. I like to feed people. So this is just not acceptable. I have to find a way to turn peanut butter and jelly on its head. Or stop buying it altogether, but then I'm afraid my kids will stop eating... what to do, what to DO?!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Nothing good will come of this...

R: "DAAAAAA-DUH! Boogie just took that teacup out the butt of her pants and put it on my head and now it's going to go through my head and into my brain and into my eyeballs and I'm gunna get pink eye and pink brain from her BUTT PARTICLES!!!"

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Dumb and Dumberest

Overheard conversation between 2 employees of the local supermarket:
"Do you know if you can catch AD/HD? I took one of my brothers AD/HD pills, and now I'm feelin' all cracked out, like he acts when he doesn't take his pills."
"Um, I don't think it works that way... I THINK YOU HAVE TO TOUCH THEIR BLOOD. Or body fluids."
...Really? *sigh*

Monday, April 16, 2012

Me: "What are you guys doing?"
B: "Finding the artic pole."
Me: "Finding the artic pole?"
B: "The ARCtic pole."

Argument on who misses mommy more:
B - "Where's mommy?"
R - "She went to work. On a unicorn."
B - *giggles* "I miss her. I want hugs and smooches."
R - "Me too, but I GOT hugs and smooches. You need to wake up."
B - " I miss her SOOOO much my tummy hurts."
R - "I miss her so much I throwed up. Twice. In my shoe."
Giggling commences.

Roman: (watching me mix a few spices into a pot of water)"Whatcha maaakin'?"
Boogie:(Without looking up from playing, in a gravelly voice)"He's makin' chicken bross..."
Me:" do you know that, Boogs?"
Boogie:"I can see into your brain."
Me:"You shut the hell up."

Boogie held up a piece of paper on which she had drawn a single diagonal line and said "This means no circles allowed."

B: "Roman, you screeched. That wasn't axectacle. Axebitle. Asketakle. Mom, is this making you laugh? It wasn't Axectatul. ACCEPTABLE! Hahahahaha!"

R:"Man, my cows are so sore..."
Me:"Your what?"
R:"My COWS." (Indicate legs)
ME:"OHHHH...Your calves..."
R:"Yeah, but mine are so bigger, they're cows."
Me:..."I think, in your case, that would be "bull"."
R:"No, it's real."

R:"I gotta tell you sumpin'."*mumbles incoherently*
Me:"What was that?"
Me:"Dammit, boy - you know I hate repetition. Speak up!"
Me:You. Little. Bastard.

Boogie:"Daddy, can I have another dough thing?"
Me:"Eat the rest of your breakfast and we'll talk about it."
Boogie:"How about I eat ONE bite, and then get one?"
Spot on, son.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

R:"Did you check the mail, Dad?"
Me: "Yep. Only junk mail."
R:"Only what?"
B:" It's actually "Gunko". It's Spanish for mail."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Getting up at 0230 does not agree with me. I just yelled "Flick your OWN Jiggermawhizzer, ya PERV!" at the Cat in the Hat. He doesn't deserve that.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Schnozberries Taste Like Schnozberries!

My children had silverdollar sourdough pancakes with blueberry coulis and fresh whipped yogurt for breakfast. Apparently, it "Tastes like purple", and "I want strawberry."

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Let's hit the links...

Okay, so, I love this site,, because it's fun and easy to use. I created several cards, and thought it would be fun to share them with you. Go here -My fucking AWESOME creations. Adore me, dammit!. Look at this. Rate them. Here's my favorite -