Sunday, January 29, 2012

NOBODY puts Baby in the corner!

You know what's cool? Just Dance 3: Electric Boogaloo. The songs are awesome, but the REALLY cool part is the fat guy. I think he's from one of the first games, but he makes a guest appearance in JD3:EB and I'm like - "Sweet! A fat guy that dances! If he can do it, so can I!"
So I do my warm up stretches (I attempt - in vain - to touch my toes. Once.), crank it up, and begin. This feels good. I feel good. I'm EXERCISING!
I start breathing like a hippo with asthma about a quarter of the way through. Halfway into the song, my legs have suddenly lost rigidity in the bone, and my vision is starting to blur as I flail about the living room like Gumby with a seizure. 3/4 of the way in I'm gasping and clawing in the general direction of the television "MAKE IT...-*huh...huh...HUHHHHHH*-...STAAAAP!!!" By the end I'm trying to stab myself in the ear with the Wii remote but the fucking rubber sheath mocks me. "Heh heh heh, fatty - you're not getting off that easily." About that time I realize my decision to choose Infinite Shuffle may have been a bit of a lofty aspiration, only my fingers are too weak to turn the damn thing off. CURSE YOU,ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!!!

Monday, January 16, 2012

We were riding the bus, and a well-dressed African-American gentleman got on the bus. Boogie looked at him and said - loudly - "HEY! He looks like President Obama!" Several people on the bus visibly cringed, and the gentleman scowled first at me, then at her, and exclaimed "Excuse me?!" I looked at Boogie and said "Sweetheart, tell him why you think that." She looked at him and said "You look like President Obama because you have on a blue tie."
I think we as adults project our own insecurities, prejudice, bias, and fears far too much into the words of our children. Stop perpetuating. Start progressing. Much love.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

2 to beam up, Mr. Scott.

Anyone else have that math/physics/logic nipple problem where you look down at your shirt and see that, because of the cold, your erect nipples create a crease directly between those 2 points and so, understanding Euclidean distance, you know that this crease is the shortest distance, but then, your REAL science brain (Star Trek) kicks in, and you remember spatial warp physics which state that the shortest distance between 2 points is to bring those points together, and so you have to explain to your wife why you are trying to get your nipples to touch each other, and she walks away muttering something about what our poor children have to deal with? Yeah, hate that.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Go ahead - make my day.

If anybody asks why I don't take my girl on shows like "Toddlers and Tiaras", I like to think I have a pretty good reason. Other than common sense, I mean. Boogie would elbow check every one of those painted tarts right in the juicebox. Then she would go to work on their kids. Pa-DOW! She is sweet, and loveable, and intelligent, and absofuckinglutely ruthless. This one time, when she was a little over 2, she and her brother were playing in the play area in the mall, and this 5ish big ol' bully came along and pushed Roman down. When he got up, he pushed him down again. Little jerk was prancing around the play area, so proud of himself. Boogie, in all her innocence, was sitting at the top of the slide, and, calculating speed and trajectory, and factoring in the kids inflated ego, pushed off at the right time to take him out at the knees. He buckled, then pitched forward, slamming into one of the foam cars and split his lip. Boogie got up, dusted her knees, then STEPPED ON HIM, and went on playing. The child's mother was livid. "Aren't you going to do anything?!" 
"You're right - BOOGIE! Come here please." Boogie walked over. 
"Want to go get some ice cream?" 
And we walked out.