I've faaalllen, and I can't get uuuuuup...

Sweet crap on a cracker. Why do people not understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? When my son falls, or coughs on some water, or runs full tilt into a tree, and I don't move to help him, and you do, and I say "Please leave him alone," and you don't stop, and I get louder, and you don't listen, and I tell you "DON'T TOUCH MY CHILD," I am not asking - or giving permission - for you to go pick him up and nurse his boo-boos. Leave. Him. Alone. 

I thought for awhile that it was just me that had to deal with this. You know - at-home dad, "doesn't have the ability to nurture" (yes, I've been told this), maybe they think I'm lazy or neglectful, but it doesn't seem to be limited to just me. I've seen many moms deal with this same issue. The part that really annoys me is when it's other moms with kids the same age. If it's a grandma, or an older lady, I can understand if they are hard of hearing or whatever, but when it's a mom with kids in the same age group and they run over to my child to kiss their owie and make it better - what the hell, lady?! NO TOUCHY! No touch. 

I am not a heartless monster. I am not inattentive. I simply don't see the need to mollycoddle. I am not raising a helpless baby - I am raising a child, a person, an individual. I want him to assess himself, to see what the damage is, to be able to determine what is attention-worthy, and what is just a bump, a scrape, a little water down the wrong pipe. I want him to learn independent thought and personal strength. To know that he can take care of himself. Because if he really needs me, I will be there in a flash. 

I know my child. You don't. And the one thing I definitely know about my child that you don't - but you will find out in about 2 seconds - is that he hates being touched without his consent. That boy has a very close bubble that surrounds him, and anyone entering that bubble better have his express permission to do so, or there will be hell to pay. So when he blows out your eardrums with his siren scream, bloodies your nose with a right cross, and kicks your tit off, don't look at me like I raised some kind of demon. I asked you, I told you, I raised my voice at you not to touch him. It's on your head. 

You can't handle the tooth!

Good times. The twins have both discovered they have loose teeth. It's going to be a goddamn faeriefest up in here. That's gotta be, what- 4500 teeth? And guess who gets to assist in their removal?  Yeahhh...as I stated - good times. Really, it wouldn't be that big a deal, but the boy has this ear-shattering fire engine wail whenever he's in panic mode that on a good day I can't stand to be in the same room with him while he's crying. Now I will be right next to his screaming facehole. Joy. The cool bit, though, it's that I can drill holes through the teeth once they're yanked and wear them as a necklace. Yay! Accessories!

If I Only Had a Brain

Romana: "Mom, I have two parts of my brain, and the man side says 'hey, baby' to the girl side. Yeah, my brain can talk."

Gaius: "Mom, my bwain don't talk."

That's Women's Work...

Just bought a case of Comice pears, and pissed off some old guy, but amused the hell out of the produce lady. "What are you going to do with a whole case of pears?" he says.

"Not that it's your business, but I have a decent size family that will eat them. If they ripen all at once, I'll can some."

"You can't can. Canning is women's work."

Raised eyebrow. "Really? I beg to differ. And I bet this lady would too."

She crosses her arms and awaits his reply.

"Everyone has their place. Men do the work, women do the housework, the cleaning, the canning."

"Huh. Well, I have been an at-home dad for the last six years. I love to cook, I love to can, I love my kids. I make soap. If that's women's work - sign me up to be a women!"

"Well, God has a purpose for all of us."

"Ohhhhh...okay then. We're gonna go now."

I personally don't believe there is any way to argue rational logic against religious conviction. It's like cars vs. a wombats bunghole. It makes no sense.

Boogie is having the boys sing angelic chorus whenever she enters the room.

I give you Zombie:The Musical

R:(singing)"BRAAAIIINS! I want your BRAAAIIINS!"

B:(Singing gruffly) "You can't have them. you can't have them. Dun dun dun dun."

R:(Singing higher) "BRAAAIIINS! I need BRAINS! Does anyone have brains for me to eat?!"

Gaius:(singing loudly and gruffly) "I godth brainth for you to EEEEEEEAAAAT!"

B:"And those brains are tasty and sweet."

R:"Gosh these brains taste a lot like meat!"

Gaius:"I godth bwainth fo you to EAT!"

The Good Earth

Holy crap! Just spent 4 hours in the garden with the kids without realizing it. Did have a couple OTHER realizations, though.

1. My kids make awesome helpers, but suck at gardening.

2. I hate having dirt under my fingernails, but also hate wearing gloves.

3. My nail polish kicks ass.

Home Alone 12

B:"Daddy, you need to go to the store and get eggs for me."

Me:"and what-leave you guys home alone?"

(simultaneously) B:"YES!" R:"NOOO!"

Me:"Curious. Why "NO", Roman?"

R:"Because, if you go, and we are here alone, we will do sneaky stuff."

B:"NUH-UH! I would just lay in my bed and be asleep."

R:"No, you said you would make pancakes. We would cook stuff. And paint. Maybe the house. And make coffee. And play Wii."

Me:"Wait- you've discussed this? And made PLANS?!"

(simultaneously) B:"NOOO!" R:"YES!"

Gaius:"You guys in twubble."

They're Heeeeeeere...

Apparently, my television likes to turn itself on and watch children's shows at the unholy buttcrack of dawn. I mean, I don't SEE anyone, so it must be the television. Wait- I hear giggling. Must be a ghost, then, because none of MY spawn would dare challenge a big, mean, scary, uncaffeinated ogre before the the sun has risen and that bitter nectar of sustenance has passed his lips.

It Was the One-Armed Man!

Trying to discourage Gaius from getting his hand stuck in the outdoor table umbrella hole:

Me: "If you stick your hand in there, it will get stuck and I'll have to cut through the table to get it out!"

Gaius: "Noooooo! You cut through table, 'den you cut through mine AWM!" [grabs arm] "And I say 'aaaaahhhh! My awm! My awm!'"

Me: "No! I would never cut through your arm!"

Gaius: "Yeah-huh! Maybe jus' my fingah."

Me: "I wouldn't cut ANYTHING, just the table to get your arm out!"

Gaius: "Nuh-UH! You cut my Awm off! And I say," [stumbles around dramatically and falls to his knees] "'My AWM!! My AWM!! Where my hand at?!?'