Anybody want a peanut?

Has anyone ever assessed the practical application of children’s bedtime stories and nursery rhymes? That shit needs rewritten from a parents viewpoint. I guarantee you the outcome would be different.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty’s dad came out the house and was like

“What the fuck are you doing up there, boy? Get down before you fall and crack your head open!...see? Didn’t I tell you? Now your brains all leakin’ out and shit… I fuckin’ told you, but would you listen? Nooo…c’mere, let me take a look. Yep, cut your head pretty bad there…quiet down, you’re going to wake the neighbors.  Let’s go wash it up, see how bad it is. I’ll get you a popsicle. And from now on - STAY OFF THE GODDAMN WALL!!!”

On the subject of good parenting - Where was Snow White’s dad while all that shit with her stepmother was going on? Running his fucking kingdom. Well,sit up and take notice, you unobservant son of a bitch. That insane drama queen you call a second wife is TRYING TO EAT YOUR DAUGHTERS HEART. I’m Snow White’s dad, I’m like “That’s the seed of my fucking loins, bitch! You think you have to kill her because she looks better than you? When I'm through with you, you will be nothing but a snaggle-toothed whore! My HOUNDS will be fucking prettier than you. Crazy jealous-ass wench. Hey! Huntsman! All that shit she was gonna have you do to my daughter? Yeah. Do that to her. Right here. Right now. None of this running off into the woods shit. Fuck this bitch up.”

About those magical woods, too - if you’re walking through the woods, and some animal - ANY animal - starts talking to you, be it duck, rabbit, wolf or a motherfucking toad, you do one of two things - stop eating those particular fucking mushrooms and run like fuck to the nearest ranger station/ poison control center, or, if you feel confident in your sanity - because, lets’s face it, at this point, I would seriously be doubting myself - you find a way to trap that shit. That’s money in the bank right there. “Step right up! Be the first to see a real live talking toad! What’s that? He say’s if you’ll kiss him he’ll turn into a prince? Taking bids on who wants to kiss a frog to see if he’ll actually turn into a prince!” Money in the bank.

What about the viewpoint of the victims in the story? Why are all the princesses such simpering prisses? Oh, I’m just going to lay here and wait for my prince to come… fuck that noise. Get your fat ass off the bed, put down the cheetos, and go find yourself, ya daffy broad. Trapped in a tower? Light that shit on fire! Seduce the fucking guard! Noose him and use his flailing body as a counterweight when you slide down the rope to freedom! Do SOMETHING, rather than just lie there and wait for "fate" to happen. Fuck fate in it's fucking ass. Fate is the scapegoat of the ignorant. Get your ass out of Dodge. And, when they least expect it, come back with a vengeance. Take a lesson from the Count of Monte Christo, and fuck their shit UP!

You want to cast a spell on me? Here’s a spell for your ass - a fucking mortar and masonry enema. So every time you take a dump, you literally shit a brick, and you will motherfucking remember WHO you locked in a goddamn tower.

You want to turn me into a swan, or some other puppet to be your plaything? ABRACADABRA twat-whistle! My man Merlin is about to go CRAZY up in this shit. He will transform you into a goddamn CHUPACABRA, bitch! You’ll never forget the person that turns you into a- get this - literal translation - “goatsucker.” Right?! What the fuck does that mean?! I don’t have a clue, but whatever it is, you’re IT! Then we will turn you over to distinguished men of science (read: mad fucking scientists who don't really give a good goddamn about ethics) who will immediately vivisect you in a most excruciating manner, by special request, going through the rectum first. Moral - If you want to use others as your playthings, you may one day find yourself with someone else's hand lodged deep in your ass.

You want to send me out into the woods to get lost and eaten by wild animals because I’m “too much responsibilty”, so now I and my sister have to suffer? Ha HA! I get the last laugh, because we will survive this shit, and then we will come for you in broad daylight, because by this point we don't give a flying fuck who sees us, and we will bind and gag your ass, and suspend you from a helicopter or hang glider or fucking pterodactyl, and when reach our destination, you are going to know EXACTLY where you are. “WELCOME TO THE PIRANHA INFESTED WATERS OF THE AMAZON, MOTHERFUCKER! DID YOU KNOW THEY CAN SMELL BLOOD FROM OVER A MILE AWAY? TO BAD YOU'RE  ALL CUT TO SHIT FROM BEING DRAGGED THROUGH THE UNDERBRUSH ON YOUR WAY HERE, RIGHT?!?!” And then we will lower you, slowly, into the teeming river. Moral - accepting responsibility is a bitch, but not accepting responsibility will fuck you up worse than you could ever imagine.
Update that shit, motherfuckers.