A Very Particular Set of Skills

Had a bike trailer stolen off my front porch a couple nights ago. It's not much the trailer that bothers me, as it is the smegheaded fuckwad that had the audacity to invade our sanctum. Now I cant fucking sleep. It's just a trailer, right? Yeah. But what if the hopped-up ass-monkey returns for a little B&E? That's a threat to the security of my children. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Bred for Its Skills in Magic

G:"Guess what I am, Dad. I'm a TINKA!!!"

Me:"Dude - you gotta give me a second to guess. And I already knew you were a stinker."

G:"No, a TINKAAAAA."

Me:"So, what's a "Tinka"?"

G:"Me."

Me:"No, I get THAT. I mean, What is a "Tinka"?"

G:"A Tinka ith me. Itth half tiguh, half eagle, half bunny, half lavaaa - *pauses to flex muscles* - an' ONE THOUTHAND PERTHENT AWETHUM."

Me:"Well, of course. You'd need at LEAST that many halves to contain that much awesome. It goes without saying."

It Stands to Reason

A parent should never have to tell their child more than once to stop giving themselves hickeys.

Tis the Season

All you parents who are feeling the effects of the season (winter, yo) and are finding yourself ...curt, also irritable, cranky, short-tempered, and feeling guilty for being so - you're not alone. It really is the season. Cabin fever has me being an ornery bear, and -as you know by now, I'm sure - I hate bears. So I'm making every effort to hang with friends and family. Let the kids babysit themselves. Have a drink. Unwind. Because HOLY FUCKING FUCK are they getting on my nerves!!! GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Ahem. Carry on.

Goin' campin'

Another "campout" movie night. My children are sleep slapping each other. 500 sq ft of floor space, and they have to fight over... actually, I have no idea what they're fighting over. They're asleep. Little weirdies. Happy Thanksgiving, allabodies!

Es no problemo

Sitting down to a heaping plate of scones, the boys start arguing about where they want to sit.

G:"I want to sit ova dare, 'cuth datth where da one I bit ith."

R:"Well, I want to sit THERE, because the one I want is right THERE."

G:"Well, I not movin'."

R:"Me NEITHER."

Boogie, who has been observing this whole exchange, sighs, reaches out, and turns the plate. Problem solved.

I make and sell soap...

Bacon gives me zits. WTF, bacon?! Good thing I make my own acne soap. ^-^

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From bacon fat.

I kid!

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Or dooooo IIIIIII....?

Pancakes Are Love

I set breakfast on the table this morning.

G: “Wuth dat?”

Me: “Uhhh…blini. Blini with plum and apple compote.”G:(snarling) “dath fwiggin’ gwoth.”

Me: “No way, dude! This shit’s delicious! Try it!”

G: “I’n not eatin’ compotht!”

Me: “not Com-POST. Com-POTE. It’s, like…fruit sauce. Jelly. Hot jelly.”

G:(Eyeing me and the blini skeptically) “No.I’n not eatin’ dat.”

Roman sits and begins eating his breakfast with gusto. “Oh my GAWD, DAD! This is the best thing you have made EVER.” He then turns to me, his face away from Gaius, huge smirk on his face, and winks theatrically.

G: (glaring)“You methin’ with me, Wo-man?”

Roman: “No, it really is tasty!”

G: "I don't bleeve you. I'n not gonna eat dat."

I head back to the kitchen to finish making the rest of the blini.

Hollering from the stove, I ask: “Gaius! You want just some plain ones?”

G: “MMHMHFMF!”

Me: “What?!”

G: (swallowing)"I'N EATIN THE PANCAKTH. DITH THTUFF ITH FWEAKIN’ DEE-LICIOUS!” He proceeds to devour the entire plateful.

I win.

Love Potion No. 96

Biscuit: (running into the room with a vial and a green marker) "Daddy, can I PLEEEEEATH make human blood potion?"

Me: "For WHAT?!"

G:"Humanth! I wanna make blood potion for humanth."

Me:"Uh, no. Also, humans don't have green blood."

G:(looking intently at his marker) "Well, no, this ith for Minionth blood. They need more sinth I drank all theirs..."

Me:"Uh...NO POTIONS! Go build a volcano or something."

G:(Grabs my face and eyes me resolutely) "I'n makin' blood potions, not thtinkin' volcanoes. I'n tryin' to thave LIVES, HERE! Lemme make blood potionth."

Me:"First, tell me what ingredients you are going to use."

G:"Kitchen sthtuff."

Me:"Um, no. Be more specific. There's a LOT of stuff in the kitchen."

G:"All of it."

Me:"No."

Roman:(chiming in) "We'll use all good stuff. Like water, and blackberries, and mint, and some liquids from the kitchen, and some liquids NOT from the kitchen - 

Boogs:(interrupting)"And a FISH! 'Cause I'm makin' a mer MAN!"

G:"I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE A MERMAN! I need blood potion to mix with my other potion to cweate a WAINBOW potion! Wainbow potion is love potion, an' I'n gonna dump it on everyone in da world, and dey will all luuuuuuuv each other! Like you love MOMMY!"

Me:"Oh, that might be kinda messy, the way Daddy loves Mommy. Why don't we cut it with wine, or rum, and then everyone will love on each other, but they'll all be embarrassed and awkward about it come morning."

Gaius:(quizzically) "And then they eat pancakth?"

Me:"No, their brunch will probably be coffee, shame, and possibly crow."

Boogie:"I WANT A MER MAN!"

Me:"Yeah, that's...that's neat, Boogs."

DANCING IS MY LIIIIIIIIIF-UH!

R: "Daddy, I really want to be a girl."

Me: "No you don’t."


R: "Yes I do."

Me: "Nope."

R: "What’s wrong with being a girl?"


Me: "TONS!"

R: "I thought you said it was okay for people to be whoever they wanted, and for girls to love girls or boys, and boys to love girls or boys."

Me: "You bet! It’s called “equality.” And trust me - there's NOTHING equal about it."

R: "So why can’t I be a girl?"

Me: "Oh, you can - you just won’t WANT to when you learn what it’s like to be a woman."

R: "WHYYYYYY?!?!?!"

Me: "Well, for starters, there’s the whining, and the blubbering, and the crying about body parts, and rights, and who has the right to do what with their own body parts. And that's just from everyone around you. I won’t even begin to tell you about the bleeding and the mood swings."

R: "What?!"

Me: "Yeah! Some people think they can tell other people what they can do with their OWN body parts. The people doing the telling are almost always men, and the people being told are usually women. You want to be bossed around by a bunch of guys telling you what you can and can’t do with your vagina? Nobody in their right mind wants that."

R: "No, about the bleeding and swings."

Me: "What? Oh. Well, if you want all girl parts, they have to do a lot of surgery and give you things called hormones that totally fuck with your emotions. You’re a hot mess from the word “GO!”."

R: "Well, how about, I’ll be a man that dresses and looks like a girl. But I’ll still have my man parts."

Me: "You still wouldn't want to be a girl."


R: "But I’d have man parts! And nobody would tell me what I could do with them."

Me: "True, but would you call yourself a man or a woman?"

R: "A girl."

Me: "See? Still a problem."

R: "What? Why?"

Me: "Well, what job do you want to have when you grow up?"

R: "I want to be a scientist!"

Me: "Girl scientists get paid less than guy scientists for the same job."  

R: "That’s not fair!"

Me: "Psh. Fair. Stay a man. It’ll be easier for you in the long run. If you look like a woman, talk like a woman, dress like a woman, people are going to either try to tell you what to do, or judge you for being different. Just stay a man. It's easier."

R: "But that’s not who I am. I want a vagina. And boobies. And dresses. And makeup."

Me: "There are lots of girls that don’t have or want most of that."

R: "Well, I do. And I don’t care if there’s blood or whatever. I can make more.

And I want to DANCE!"

Me: "So you want to be a girl dancing scientist?"

R: "Yes."

Me: "Even after all that crap I just told you? About the pain, and emotions, and unfairness, and people trying to tell you what to do with your bits, and the people judging you because you’re different... even after all that?"

R: "I’m not gonna change who I want to be. I just want to be me. And that me wants to be a girl."

He’s nothing if not resolute, I’ll give him that.