Deuce Bigalow

B:"Dad, I'm feelin' MUCH better now."

Me:"Oh yeah? That's good, baby."

B:"Yeah, I just dropped one big dookie. It was THIS (holds hands about 2 feet apart) big. It was all coiled like a python, ready to STRIKE!"

Me:"Ew, dude. You should have stopped at 'dookie.'"

You look a little young to drive a forklift.

"You ran in front of a moving vehicle piloted by a 3-year old speed demon. How did you THINK that was going to turn out?"

Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake!

Celebratory chocolate cake for brekkie for the first day of summer vacation. It has bananas on it, so it's healthy Nomalicious! I didn't have any butter for the recipe, so I subbed duck fat. I wonder if they'll notice?

Dance...Fight?!

Gaius frenemy Rowan is over for a playdate, and this conversation just happened:

Rowan: “Otay, I’m gonna teach you how to do ballet.”

Gaius:” I know how to ballet.”

Rowan:”IIII went to school. And I FINISHED. So I should teach you.”

Gaius:”Do you know how to ballet FIGHT?!”

Rowan: (matter-of-factly)”Yep. I’m going to pick someone to ballet fight me. Eeny meeny miney mo…Daius! You ballet fight me.”

Gaius: (going immediately into a Mario/Link-style spin attack) “AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!”

Rowan:”NO! Not like that. I know a special Chinese style.”

Gaius:”But we didn’t have Chinese yet. I like Chinese. Do you like Chinese?”

Rowan:”I LOOOOVE Chinese!”

And they collapse onto the floor in a fit of giggles.

Try the Spaghetti, Freddie

So, I make all this delicious food, these tasty dishes, these culinary masterpieces, and you wanna know what my children scream are "DELICIOUS!" and beg for more when I add them to their lunch plate and throw a fucking shit-fit when there aren't any? Crackers. Plain boring old bland motherfucking saltines. Fucking. Hell. On the plus side, I see a drastically reduced grocery bill in the near future...

Follow the Butterflies

I love sitting in the cool shade of the cedar tree, watching my boy play with the chicke-OH MY GOD THERE ARE ONE JILLION SPIDER BABIES RAPPELLING ONTO MY FACE! GAHHHHHH!!! GETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFGETEMOFF!

I love you, Nature. Why you fuck with me like that?

Know When to Hold 'Em...

The kids are playing an imaginary card game in the pool called Got Your Wish where the cards are only visible underwater, and are guts, fish, 33's, rocket fuel, apples, and couscous. But no privates. But belly buttons. Actually, a hundred things on the whole world. And the cards are SUPPOSED to be green. Oh, and synchronized splashing is shuffling and dealing the cards. So randomly they all stop together and splash frantically, then stop splashing and resume playing. I <3 my creepy little weirdos.