Home Alone 12

B:"Daddy, you need to go to the store and get eggs for me."

Me:"and what-leave you guys home alone?"

(simultaneously) B:"YES!" R:"NOOO!"

Me:"Curious. Why "NO", Roman?"

R:"Because, if you go, and we are here alone, we will do sneaky stuff."

B:"NUH-UH! I would just lay in my bed and be asleep."

R:"No, you said you would make pancakes. We would cook stuff. And paint. Maybe the house. And make coffee. And play Wii."

Me:"Wait- you've discussed this? And made PLANS?!"

(simultaneously) B:"NOOO!" R:"YES!"

Gaius:"You guys in twubble."

They're Heeeeeeere...

Apparently, my television likes to turn itself on and watch children's shows at the unholy buttcrack of dawn. I mean, I don't SEE anyone, so it must be the television. Wait- I hear giggling. Must be a ghost, then, because none of MY spawn would dare challenge a big, mean, scary, uncaffeinated ogre before the the sun has risen and that bitter nectar of sustenance has passed his lips.

It Was the One-Armed Man!

Trying to discourage Gaius from getting his hand stuck in the outdoor table umbrella hole:

Me: "If you stick your hand in there, it will get stuck and I'll have to cut through the table to get it out!"

Gaius: "Noooooo! You cut through table, 'den you cut through mine AWM!" [grabs arm] "And I say 'aaaaahhhh! My awm! My awm!'"

Me: "No! I would never cut through your arm!"

Gaius: "Yeah-huh! Maybe jus' my fingah."

Me: "I wouldn't cut ANYTHING, just the table to get your arm out!"

Gaius: "Nuh-UH! You cut my Awm off! And I say," [stumbles around dramatically and falls to his knees] "'My AWM!! My AWM!! Where my hand at?!?'