Soylent Green is People!

Hey! Motherfuckers at the USDA - a can of V8 Fusion juice is NOT a serving of fruits and vegetables. Neither is a can of fucking SpaghettiOs. Food is food, you eat what you can to survive, blah blah fucking blah, but don't allow companies to package Grade A bullshit and try to pass it off as nutritious. An APPLE is a serving of fruit. 15 grapes equal a serving of fruit. A cup of greens is a serving of vegetables. A can of V8Fusion, however, is just a can of fucking juice. It's sugar wrapped in a sweet little lie, bitches. And I'm not even going to delve into the SpaghettiOs conspiracy. Eat your vegetables. 

Now You Know. And Knowing is Half the Battle!

B: (singing) "Old Mac Donald had a farm -"

R: (interrupting) "andonthatfarm he had some GUYYYS... GEE EYE GEE EYE JOOOOE!"

B: (Cracking up) "And Cobra Commanderrrrrr..."

R:"That doesn't rhyme."

B:(Still cracking up) It's ALLITERATION!"

Me: "Please don't sing that in front of your mother. She's gonna think I'm warping your fragile little minds with Saturday morning cartoons." 

The Cause Of - and Solution to - All Of Life's Problems.

Boogie: (Observing me drinking at the sink)"HEY! I see you drinking those beers..."

Me: "I'm whatnow? I'm drinking water, child. Look. See? Water."

B: "You changed it with your magic. You're drinkin' all the beers. I see youuu... and you better save some of those beers for mama."

Me: "I am NOT drinking BEER! Why am I even defending myself to you?! I can drink beer if I want. But I'm not. So shut it and go away!"

Boogie:(Backing slowly out of the kitchen while pointing at me) "I got my eye on youuu. You save some beers for mama. She works hard and needs beer for when she comes home...I waaatching youuuuuu..."

Me:"Whatever, ya weirdo. I'm watching YOU. HA! How about that?!"

Crap. Now I want a beer.

R: "Mom, are you taking that little yogurt to work?"

Mommy:"Yes, for my lunch."

R:"Do you have a spoon?"

Mommy:"Yes, I have a spoon at work."

R:"Do you have a bunch of spoons?"

Mommy:"I have two spoons at work."

R:"Mom... You need more spoons! *arms akimbo, lip quivering* How will all your work friends share your yogurt???"

I'm "Tom" When I'm Good...

Just convinced the kids to sweep/wash the deck by telling them the brooms were really big paint brushes and the bucket of water was paint. Eat your heart out, Tom Sawyer. 

Never a Dull Moment

It's raiiiniiing

It's pouuurrring

I wish my kids were snorrrring

Napping in their beds

With dreams in their head

Instead of fighting over that stupid musical guitar don't HIT YOUR BROTHER GET DOWN FROM THERE SWEET GOD HOW DID POOP GET ON THE CEILING FAN FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON

something something and a word that rhymes with snoring

The End.