I don't think it's supposed to do that

Fun fact: beet juice can make your pee turn pink, or even red. Which is a really, really good thing to know. Especially BEFOREHAND. Especially if you're a bit of a hypochondriac. GAH!

Heh Heh Heh

My love:"Ouch. I'm all stiff from doing yardwork..."

Me:"I'm all stiff from watching you do yardwork. Rowr."

Sucker

Biscuit:"Daaaad...wuth for brefith?"

Me:"Oven-roasted potatoes and eggs."

B:"I don't waaaaaant po-tay-tooooooooooes..." - then, taking a sudden detour from his normal kickpunching, brainsmashing whine -*big puppy eyes* "if you acthidently made a thamwich, I would eat it for you, cuth I LOVE thamwiches..."

Aw crap.

Wait, what?! How'd that sammmich get there?

Jelly of the Month Club

Since everyone is on about their annual reviews - My annual review was SPECTACULAR.

I was all "how'd we do this year?"

And I was like "We fucking rocked it!"

"Fuck YEAH! High-five, me!"

"Hey kids! How'd I do this year?!"

"What year?"

"The 365 days preceding December 30 somethingth."

"He means two thousand thirteen."

"Oh! Yeah! You did awesome, Dad!"

"Yeah! Awethum!" *holds 2 thumbs way up*

"Sweet! High-fives!"

Aaand now they are working on writing reviews for me.

A Very Particular Set of Skills

Had a bike trailer stolen off my front porch a couple nights ago. It's not much the trailer that bothers me, as it is the smegheaded fuckwad that had the audacity to invade our sanctum. Now I cant fucking sleep. It's just a trailer, right? Yeah. But what if the hopped-up ass-monkey returns for a little B&E? That's a threat to the security of my children. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Bred for Its Skills in Magic

G:"Guess what I am, Dad. I'm a TINKA!!!"

Me:"Dude - you gotta give me a second to guess. And I already knew you were a stinker."

G:"No, a TINKAAAAA."

Me:"So, what's a "Tinka"?"

G:"Me."

Me:"No, I get THAT. I mean, What is a "Tinka"?"

G:"A Tinka ith me. Itth half tiguh, half eagle, half bunny, half lavaaa - *pauses to flex muscles* - an' ONE THOUTHAND PERTHENT AWETHUM."

Me:"Well, of course. You'd need at LEAST that many halves to contain that much awesome. It goes without saying."

It Stands to Reason

A parent should never have to tell their child more than once to stop giving themselves hickeys.

Tis the Season

All you parents who are feeling the effects of the season (winter, yo) and are finding yourself ...curt, also irritable, cranky, short-tempered, and feeling guilty for being so - you're not alone. It really is the season. Cabin fever has me being an ornery bear, and -as you know by now, I'm sure - I hate bears. So I'm making every effort to hang with friends and family. Let the kids babysit themselves. Have a drink. Unwind. Because HOLY FUCKING FUCK are they getting on my nerves!!! GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Ahem. Carry on.

Goin' campin'

Another "campout" movie night. My children are sleep slapping each other. 500 sq ft of floor space, and they have to fight over... actually, I have no idea what they're fighting over. They're asleep. Little weirdies. Happy Thanksgiving, allabodies!

Es no problemo

Sitting down to a heaping plate of scones, the boys start arguing about where they want to sit.

G:"I want to sit ova dare, 'cuth datth where da one I bit ith."

R:"Well, I want to sit THERE, because the one I want is right THERE."

G:"Well, I not movin'."

R:"Me NEITHER."

Boogie, who has been observing this whole exchange, sighs, reaches out, and turns the plate. Problem solved.