This house is CLEEEEAAANNN!!!

Had some family drop in at D'Agovillagio for a visit. With them came a moment of self-realization: I fucking HATE it when someone comes into my house and exclaims, in surprise, every time, "Wow! Your house looks so CLEAN today!" My guess is they're trying to be nice, but their tone and inflection make me feel like every time they've visited before, our house was a fucking sty.

Two things - 1: I clean my house regularly, and - of course - more so when people come to visit, but sometimes, well - I don't fucking feel like cleaning. Or I’m playing with my kids. Sometimes I get distracted from the chores by LIFE. Shit stacks up. Deal with it.

2: I have THREE CHILDREN. It takes them about half a second to DESTROY a full day of cleaning, so fuck off - if my house has been dirty when you were here before, it seriously could have happened 3 seconds before you walked through the door. Have you SEEN Gaius eat a muffin?

My family is happy and healthy. The mess isn't gross, it's just...messy. If the unkempt nature of my domicile makes you uncomfortable, there are options. I could get you a blindfold. You could pick up a broom and go to work. You could help yourself to a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up. Whatever works. Just don't come up in my house and insult me, or I'll be forced to do the same to you.

R: "You know boats don't have uvulas?"

G: "Yeah. Dragons have uvulas."

Roman: "Where did the Tardis go?"

Daddy: "The Tardis???"

Roman: "Yeah! Where'd it go? I want to play it."

Daddy: "... Um... do you mean the guitar?"

Roman: "Yes. [enunciating] Where. Did. The. Guitar. Just. Go."

Mommy and Daddy (in unison): "Ohhhhhhhh..."

Shut up and Drive

Me- "Do you guys know where we are going today? We'll be visiting lots of friends. First, we're going to see-"

R-(interrupting) "Um, Daddy?"

Me - "Yes?"

R - "Less talky. More drivey."

R - "I don't know where mommy is, Boogs. Do you?"

B - "I don't know." - voice gets raspy - "Only The Shadow knows..."

"I'm nommin' the PIGGIES out of these noodles!"

Boogie, commenting on the gustatory deliciousness of her afternoon repast.

Upon seeing a white-haired octogenarian in a gold lamé jacket and cat eye glasses, Boogie squeals -with her hands over her mouth - "LADY GAGA! LADY GAGA! OH. MY. GOSH."

The lady cackles and says "I wish I looked that good, cookie."

B: "I don't think the chickens like me. Why don't they like me? I'm a princess!"

Me: "Um... why are you guys naked?"

B: "A warthog eat our swimsuits. We can't find them. That's why."

Me: "A warthog ATE your swimsuit." It must be hot, if the grammar was the only thing I could find wrong with that story.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye

One of my go-to tenets of parenting is this: If you can't control 'em, confuse the hell out of 'em.

"If you two don't knock it off, I'm going to make both of you bathe a donkey!!!"

It works. For now. Learn and adapt, man. Another tenet.

You know, I would just write up my tenets of parenting, except that every time I say "tenet", I think of Doctor Who. It's very distracting. Because then I start thinking about Torchwood, and Captain Jack Harkness...Ahem. Anyway.