Crazy?! I Was Crazy Once...

Me:"I'm so hungry, I could eat a cow."
Biscuit:"Jesus is a cow."
Boogs:"Yep. A girl cow. Actually, Jesus was godzilla."
Me:"Wait, wha-." 
Ro:"Actually, Godzilla was a dinosaur."
Me:"Hold o-"
Boogs:"That's what I said - Jesus is a T-Rex."
Biscuit:"Yep. Jesus was a girl T-Rex."
Me:" Oh no you DON'T. Now I know you are trying to fuck with my head. Screw this - I'm making myself a sammmich."
*backs slowly from the room, eying all occupants warily...*

We All Gunna Die!

I repeat - every goddamn day is an exercise in keeping them from killing themselves and/or each other.
Today's exhibit - observe the fuzzy little honey bee. Is it a deadly deadly space bee? No,  just an ordinary honey bee, flitting from flower to flower, doing its honey bee business. It is worthwhile to note that this bee is half the distance of our backyard from my children.
Boogie:(pointing emphatically across the yard)"GAH! ROMAN! A BEEEEEEEEEE!"
Roman:(screaming just as shrilly)"BEEEEEEEEEEEE! AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!"
Gaius:(from across the yard, on the other side of the bee, seizing the first implement he can find, which happens to be his bow rake, and, having no knowledge of the actual location of the bee, runs full tilt right past it, directly at his siblings, flailing his weapon about, a berserk maniacal imp, screaming at the top of his lungs)"AHHHH THAAAAAAAAVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!"
Me:(using the special roar - You know the one)"STAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHP!" and disaster was, again, averted by the narrowest of margins.

There is no Daddy, only Zu'ulllll

R:"Daddy, why does your bed go "EEE-ERR EEE-ERR EEE-ERR -"
Me:"Because you shut the hell up, that's why."
R:(grinning)"Ha ha ha! No, seriously. I'm serious. Your bed goes "EEE-ERR" ALL THE TIME."
Me:"You want the truth? Okay - it's not the bed. We're building a boat for all of god's animals-"
R:(interrupting)"HA! Nahhhhh...you're kiddin'..."
Me:(sighing)" Okay. For reals this time. So, here's the thing - when two people love each other very much, there are monsters that try to -"
R:"Nahhh-"
Me:"I'm serious. Just shut up and listen. When two people love each other very much, there are monsters that try to get in your brain, your heart, and kill that love. Goblins and ghouls and ghosts -"
R:"AND WEREWOLVES!"
Me:"And werewolves... Those monsters have names like "Insecurity" and "Fear" and "Nightmare". Mommy and Daddy have to fight these monsters together, and by doing so, make our armor of luuuuuv stronger. Most often, talking and active listening are the best way to deal with the bogeymen. Remember active listening? (R nods) That is one of the most powerful tools in our arsenal. But we also really like the hands-on approach to battling the monsters. When you hear the noises you're not supposed to be hearing because you're not supposed to be up, that's Mommy and Daddy bustin' out some kick-ass ninja moves to power up our love armor and defeat the brain-goblins."
R:(eyeing me skeptically)"Is that real?"
Me:"Sure is. But here's the thing - it takes all of our concentration to fight these monsters, so you can NEVER interrupt us. NEVER OPEN THE DOOR. In fact, it's best if you just go right back to bed and right back to sleep, because if you interrupt us for any reason, the goblins will suck our faces right off! And then they WILL EAT OUR SOULS!!!"
R:"AAAAGGGH!!! REALLY?! IS THAT TRUE?!"
Me:"Do you want to take the chance that it isn't?"
R:"NO!"
Me:"Then stay in bed when you're supposed to be sleeping and stay the hell away from our room when the door is closed!"

What's New, Pussy Cat?

Growing out my beard. It's kind of like having a warm kitty wrapped around my face. And we all know how much I like having my face buried in a soft, velvety p- scratch that. It's like a sweater. A nice, warm innocent, not naughty sweater for my face and neck.

Also, pubes.

Go Nuts!

On vasectomies - it doesn't fucking hurt, motherfuckers. And it hurts one one millionth the amount of pain a woman endures when she undergoes a hysterectomy, or a tubal ligation. "But how would you know? You've never had a hysterectomy, or a tubal..." BECAUSE I'VE HAD A VASECTOMY, JACKASS. IT DOESN'T FUCKING HURT.  I even got to watch the whole procedure. They offered to let me take the two little pink bucatini-looking bits home and everything. There's a pinch, and a day or 2 of discomfort, where you are encouraged to lie around with a sack of peas on your nuts. You get a little downtime, some sympathy, and you're a fucking HERO for not making her go through all that shit. Might even get some victory head. Who knows?

So if you're looking for a good, effective solution to not having any(more) children, get that shit done, and quit being a whiny fuckhead.

P.S. Also, if you're in a safe relationship, you don't have to wear a rubber anymore. Which means SHE has to go cleanup. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Ahem...

WhoWhatWhereWhenWhy Wednesday!

WhoWhatWhereWhenWhy Wednesday is upon us! As always with this longstanding, time honored tradition that I just made up here at Legend of Greybeard, I will be fielding whichever questions I so deem inappropriate. But first, a question for YOU - Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat...does the fox say? BWAHAHAHAHA.

I don't think it's supposed to do that

Fun fact: beet juice can make your pee turn pink, or even red. Which is a really, really good thing to know. Especially BEFOREHAND. Especially if you're a bit of a hypochondriac. GAH!

Heh Heh Heh

My love:"Ouch. I'm all stiff from doing yardwork..."

Me:"I'm all stiff from watching you do yardwork. Rowr."

Sucker

Biscuit:"Daaaad...wuth for brefith?"

Me:"Oven-roasted potatoes and eggs."

B:"I don't waaaaaant po-tay-tooooooooooes..." - then, taking a sudden detour from his normal kickpunching, brainsmashing whine -*big puppy eyes* "if you acthidently made a thamwich, I would eat it for you, cuth I LOVE thamwiches..."

Aw crap.

Wait, what?! How'd that sammmich get there?

Jelly of the Month Club

Since everyone is on about their annual reviews - My annual review was SPECTACULAR.

I was all "how'd we do this year?"

And I was like "We fucking rocked it!"

"Fuck YEAH! High-five, me!"

"Hey kids! How'd I do this year?!"

"What year?"

"The 365 days preceding December 30 somethingth."

"He means two thousand thirteen."

"Oh! Yeah! You did awesome, Dad!"

"Yeah! Awethum!" *holds 2 thumbs way up*

"Sweet! High-fives!"

Aaand now they are working on writing reviews for me.