Pancakes Are Love

I set breakfast on the table this morning.

G: “Wuth dat?”

Me: “Uhhh…blini. Blini with plum and apple compote.”G:(snarling) “dath fwiggin’ gwoth.”

Me: “No way, dude! This shit’s delicious! Try it!”

G: “I’n not eatin’ compotht!”

Me: “not Com-POST. Com-POTE. It’s, like…fruit sauce. Jelly. Hot jelly.”

G:(Eyeing me and the blini skeptically) “No.I’n not eatin’ dat.”

Roman sits and begins eating his breakfast with gusto. “Oh my GAWD, DAD! This is the best thing you have made EVER.” He then turns to me, his face away from Gaius, huge smirk on his face, and winks theatrically.

G: (glaring)“You methin’ with me, Wo-man?”

Roman: “No, it really is tasty!”

G: "I don't bleeve you. I'n not gonna eat dat."

I head back to the kitchen to finish making the rest of the blini.

Hollering from the stove, I ask: “Gaius! You want just some plain ones?”

G: “MMHMHFMF!”

Me: “What?!”

G: (swallowing)"I'N EATIN THE PANCAKTH. DITH THTUFF ITH FWEAKIN’ DEE-LICIOUS!” He proceeds to devour the entire plateful.

I win.

Love Potion No. 96

Biscuit: (running into the room with a vial and a green marker) "Daddy, can I PLEEEEEATH make human blood potion?"

Me: "For WHAT?!"

G:"Humanth! I wanna make blood potion for humanth."

Me:"Uh, no. Also, humans don't have green blood."

G:(looking intently at his marker) "Well, no, this ith for Minionth blood. They need more sinth I drank all theirs..."

Me:"Uh...NO POTIONS! Go build a volcano or something."

G:(Grabs my face and eyes me resolutely) "I'n makin' blood potions, not thtinkin' volcanoes. I'n tryin' to thave LIVES, HERE! Lemme make blood potionth."

Me:"First, tell me what ingredients you are going to use."

G:"Kitchen sthtuff."

Me:"Um, no. Be more specific. There's a LOT of stuff in the kitchen."

G:"All of it."

Me:"No."

Roman:(chiming in) "We'll use all good stuff. Like water, and blackberries, and mint, and some liquids from the kitchen, and some liquids NOT from the kitchen - 

Boogs:(interrupting)"And a FISH! 'Cause I'm makin' a mer MAN!"

G:"I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE A MERMAN! I need blood potion to mix with my other potion to cweate a WAINBOW potion! Wainbow potion is love potion, an' I'n gonna dump it on everyone in da world, and dey will all luuuuuuuv each other! Like you love MOMMY!"

Me:"Oh, that might be kinda messy, the way Daddy loves Mommy. Why don't we cut it with wine, or rum, and then everyone will love on each other, but they'll all be embarrassed and awkward about it come morning."

Gaius:(quizzically) "And then they eat pancakth?"

Me:"No, their brunch will probably be coffee, shame, and possibly crow."

Boogie:"I WANT A MER MAN!"

Me:"Yeah, that's...that's neat, Boogs."

DANCING IS MY LIIIIIIIIIF-UH!

R: "Daddy, I really want to be a girl."

Me: "No you don’t."


R: "Yes I do."

Me: "Nope."

R: "What’s wrong with being a girl?"


Me: "TONS!"

R: "I thought you said it was okay for people to be whoever they wanted, and for girls to love girls or boys, and boys to love girls or boys."

Me: "You bet! It’s called “equality.” And trust me - there's NOTHING equal about it."

R: "So why can’t I be a girl?"

Me: "Oh, you can - you just won’t WANT to when you learn what it’s like to be a woman."

R: "WHYYYYYY?!?!?!"

Me: "Well, for starters, there’s the whining, and the blubbering, and the crying about body parts, and rights, and who has the right to do what with their own body parts. And that's just from everyone around you. I won’t even begin to tell you about the bleeding and the mood swings."

R: "What?!"

Me: "Yeah! Some people think they can tell other people what they can do with their OWN body parts. The people doing the telling are almost always men, and the people being told are usually women. You want to be bossed around by a bunch of guys telling you what you can and can’t do with your vagina? Nobody in their right mind wants that."

R: "No, about the bleeding and swings."

Me: "What? Oh. Well, if you want all girl parts, they have to do a lot of surgery and give you things called hormones that totally fuck with your emotions. You’re a hot mess from the word “GO!”."

R: "Well, how about, I’ll be a man that dresses and looks like a girl. But I’ll still have my man parts."

Me: "You still wouldn't want to be a girl."


R: "But I’d have man parts! And nobody would tell me what I could do with them."

Me: "True, but would you call yourself a man or a woman?"

R: "A girl."

Me: "See? Still a problem."

R: "What? Why?"

Me: "Well, what job do you want to have when you grow up?"

R: "I want to be a scientist!"

Me: "Girl scientists get paid less than guy scientists for the same job."  

R: "That’s not fair!"

Me: "Psh. Fair. Stay a man. It’ll be easier for you in the long run. If you look like a woman, talk like a woman, dress like a woman, people are going to either try to tell you what to do, or judge you for being different. Just stay a man. It's easier."

R: "But that’s not who I am. I want a vagina. And boobies. And dresses. And makeup."

Me: "There are lots of girls that don’t have or want most of that."

R: "Well, I do. And I don’t care if there’s blood or whatever. I can make more.

And I want to DANCE!"

Me: "So you want to be a girl dancing scientist?"

R: "Yes."

Me: "Even after all that crap I just told you? About the pain, and emotions, and unfairness, and people trying to tell you what to do with your bits, and the people judging you because you’re different... even after all that?"

R: "I’m not gonna change who I want to be. I just want to be me. And that me wants to be a girl."

He’s nothing if not resolute, I’ll give him that.

Wag the Dog

Giovanna: "Mom, who is that? It looks like Professor McGonagall."

Mommy: "It's Ruth Bader Ginsberg."

Roman: "What does it say about her?"

Mommy: "That she's against voter suppression."

R: "What's voter suss-pression?"

G: "Vader expression?"

Mommy: "Voter suppression. Ok, voting is one way a group of people can make a decision when they don't agree. Like if we all want something different for dinner. If you three kids want--"

G: "BACON!"

Mommy: "Ok, you guys want bacon for dinner, and mommy and daddy want--"

R: "HOT DOGS!"

Mommy: "Ok, hot dogs. So that's three votes for bacon and two for hot dogs. What would win?"

G&R: "BACON!"

Mommy: "Right! So what if mommy and daddy said 'well, we decided twins can't vote.' Now how many votes do we have?"

R: "Um, 1 for bacon and 2 for hot dogs."

G (looking horrified): "Then hot dogs would win!"

R (angry monkey face): "That's not fair!"

Mommy: "That's kind of like voter suppression. Some people say some other people's votes don't count, and it's not very fair at all."

Gaius: "... Can we have bacon for dinner?"

I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost!

R:(Attempting to scare his sister at "wake time" aka "ass-crack of dawn")moans loudly: "Boooogggiiiiie... BOOOGGGIIIIIIE...I'm coming to GET YOUUUUUU..."

B: "How 'bout you come get a punch in the face, mister ghost fairy! How 'bout THAT?!"

NOT a morning person.

HASENPFEFFER!!!

B:"DAAAAAAAD! GAIUS IS TRYING TO COOK MY BUNNY!"

Me:(from the other room)"Tell him to wrap that fucker in bacon!"

B"WHAT?!?!"

Me:"Nothing! Gaius- be nice to your sister!"

I AM your father...

R:(responding to my request for him to pick up his mess in the living room)"You know, most Daddies don't tell their kids to do stuff, like clean and stuff. So that's how it's going to be, FROM NOW ON." Fixes me with a look of serious intensity.

Me:"Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me, boy. Now put your shit AWAY."

Mopes away with his toys to his room.

I can't believe I'm using the Dark Side to make my kids do their chores. I figured by this time in my life, I'd be, I don't know...in charge of the planet. Or at least a small moon.

Deuce Bigalow

B:"Dad, I'm feelin' MUCH better now."

Me:"Oh yeah? That's good, baby."

B:"Yeah, I just dropped one big dookie. It was THIS (holds hands about 2 feet apart) big. It was all coiled like a python, ready to STRIKE!"

Me:"Ew, dude. You should have stopped at 'dookie.'"

You look a little young to drive a forklift.

"You ran in front of a moving vehicle piloted by a 3-year old speed demon. How did you THINK that was going to turn out?"

Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake!

Celebratory chocolate cake for brekkie for the first day of summer vacation. It has bananas on it, so it's healthy Nomalicious! I didn't have any butter for the recipe, so I subbed duck fat. I wonder if they'll notice?