Home Alone 12

B:"Daddy, you need to go to the store and get eggs for me."

Me:"and what-leave you guys home alone?"

(simultaneously) B:"YES!" R:"NOOO!"

Me:"Curious. Why "NO", Roman?"

R:"Because, if you go, and we are here alone, we will do sneaky stuff."

B:"NUH-UH! I would just lay in my bed and be asleep."

R:"No, you said you would make pancakes. We would cook stuff. And paint. Maybe the house. And make coffee. And play Wii."

Me:"Wait- you've discussed this? And made PLANS?!"

(simultaneously) B:"NOOO!" R:"YES!"

Gaius:"You guys in twubble."

They're Heeeeeeere...

Apparently, my television likes to turn itself on and watch children's shows at the unholy buttcrack of dawn. I mean, I don't SEE anyone, so it must be the television. Wait- I hear giggling. Must be a ghost, then, because none of MY spawn would dare challenge a big, mean, scary, uncaffeinated ogre before the the sun has risen and that bitter nectar of sustenance has passed his lips.

It Was the One-Armed Man!

Trying to discourage Gaius from getting his hand stuck in the outdoor table umbrella hole:

Me: "If you stick your hand in there, it will get stuck and I'll have to cut through the table to get it out!"

Gaius: "Noooooo! You cut through table, 'den you cut through mine AWM!" [grabs arm] "And I say 'aaaaahhhh! My awm! My awm!'"

Me: "No! I would never cut through your arm!"

Gaius: "Yeah-huh! Maybe jus' my fingah."

Me: "I wouldn't cut ANYTHING, just the table to get your arm out!"

Gaius: "Nuh-UH! You cut my Awm off! And I say," [stumbles around dramatically and falls to his knees] "'My AWM!! My AWM!! Where my hand at?!?'

Skills

The kids were playing in their room when I peeked in and

overheard THIS:

R:"How do you make it so real?"

B:"First, I do this (hunches her shoulders) then this (causes

shoulders to shiver) and this (makes lower lip start to quiver

and tears well up in her eyes ON CUE ) and that's it."

R:"It's so GOOD!"

B:(flourishes and giggles)

Me:(Leaning against the doorframe)"REEEALLYYY..."

B:(jumps, startled, turns all doe-eyed, lower lip starts quivering)

Me:"Yeah- I just watched you teach your brother how to fake cry. No way in HELL I'm falling for it now."

That girl has mad skills. Now I just need to figure out how to channel her powers for the cause of good...

Patience, young Grasshopper

B:"Daddy, I'm sad, because I'm not grown up. I want to do grownup things."

Me: "Like what, honey?"

B: "Karate. I want to break bricks with my face."

Soylent Green is People!

Hey! Motherfuckers at the USDA - a can of V8 Fusion juice is NOT a serving of fruits and vegetables. Neither is a can of fucking SpaghettiOs. Food is food, you eat what you can to survive, blah blah fucking blah, but don't allow companies to package Grade A bullshit and try to pass it off as nutritious. An APPLE is a serving of fruit. 15 grapes equal a serving of fruit. A cup of greens is a serving of vegetables. A can of V8Fusion, however, is just a can of fucking juice. It's sugar wrapped in a sweet little lie, bitches. And I'm not even going to delve into the SpaghettiOs conspiracy. Eat your vegetables. 

Now You Know. And Knowing is Half the Battle!

B: (singing) "Old Mac Donald had a farm -"

R: (interrupting) "andonthatfarm he had some GUYYYS... GEE EYE GEE EYE JOOOOE!"

B: (Cracking up) "And Cobra Commanderrrrrr..."

R:"That doesn't rhyme."

B:(Still cracking up) It's ALLITERATION!"

Me: "Please don't sing that in front of your mother. She's gonna think I'm warping your fragile little minds with Saturday morning cartoons." 

The Cause Of - and Solution to - All Of Life's Problems.

Boogie: (Observing me drinking at the sink)"HEY! I see you drinking those beers..."

Me: "I'm whatnow? I'm drinking water, child. Look. See? Water."

B: "You changed it with your magic. You're drinkin' all the beers. I see youuu... and you better save some of those beers for mama."

Me: "I am NOT drinking BEER! Why am I even defending myself to you?! I can drink beer if I want. But I'm not. So shut it and go away!"

Boogie:(Backing slowly out of the kitchen while pointing at me) "I got my eye on youuu. You save some beers for mama. She works hard and needs beer for when she comes home...I waaatching youuuuuu..."

Me:"Whatever, ya weirdo. I'm watching YOU. HA! How about that?!"

Crap. Now I want a beer.

R: "Mom, are you taking that little yogurt to work?"

Mommy:"Yes, for my lunch."

R:"Do you have a spoon?"

Mommy:"Yes, I have a spoon at work."

R:"Do you have a bunch of spoons?"

Mommy:"I have two spoons at work."

R:"Mom... You need more spoons! *arms akimbo, lip quivering* How will all your work friends share your yogurt???"

I'm "Tom" When I'm Good...

Just convinced the kids to sweep/wash the deck by telling them the brooms were really big paint brushes and the bucket of water was paint. Eat your heart out, Tom Sawyer.