I am the terror that flaps in the night...

O coffee,

you deliciously bitter life-sustaining nectar...

How your smelly smell wakes my senses

after having spent the better part of a night tending to whiny kids who played too hard and didn't take a nap, so, for some unfathomable reason, at 3 o' frackin' clock in the morning, they sit bolt upright in their bed and scream "I WANT BANANA PANCAKES!!!" In this indescribably horrible screech that melts already faltering synaptic response into a puddle of useless penguin poop, causing me to lumber wild-eyed and disheveled into their room, demanding in a voice laced with hints of brimstone, "WHY?!?!" at which point the child, seeing their father in this state, screams the long, dwindling scream of someone pushed over the edge of sanity, and passes out from sheer terror.

Sweet, sweet coffee...

Boogie - "I want a girled cheese sandwich for dinner."

Me - ""Girled" cheese, huh?"

Boogie "Yeah. Not a boyed cheese sandwich."

Me - "Um. Okay. What's the difference?"

Boogie - "Boyed cheese have a penis in them."

Robot "With a TA-MAW-TOE!"

I had to ask. Ew.

Me: "you guys want apples or plums?"

B:"Ummm...apple. No, plum."

R:"Are you an evil witch?"

Me:"...um...no."

B:"Good idea Roman!"

R:"Okay, apple then."

B:"Yeah, apple."

Me:"You guys know if I WAS an evil witch, I wouldn't tell you I'm an evil witch, right?"

R:*look of intense thought*

B:"Okay, then Apple JUICE. And you drink some too."

B: "What movie did you see?"

Me: "Cowboys and Aliens."

B: "You mean Toy Story?"

This house is CLEEEEAAANNN!!!

Had some family drop in at D'Agovillagio for a visit. With them came a moment of self-realization: I fucking HATE it when someone comes into my house and exclaims, in surprise, every time, "Wow! Your house looks so CLEAN today!" My guess is they're trying to be nice, but their tone and inflection make me feel like every time they've visited before, our house was a fucking sty.

Two things - 1: I clean my house regularly, and - of course - more so when people come to visit, but sometimes, well - I don't fucking feel like cleaning. Or I’m playing with my kids. Sometimes I get distracted from the chores by LIFE. Shit stacks up. Deal with it.

2: I have THREE CHILDREN. It takes them about half a second to DESTROY a full day of cleaning, so fuck off - if my house has been dirty when you were here before, it seriously could have happened 3 seconds before you walked through the door. Have you SEEN Gaius eat a muffin?

My family is happy and healthy. The mess isn't gross, it's just...messy. If the unkempt nature of my domicile makes you uncomfortable, there are options. I could get you a blindfold. You could pick up a broom and go to work. You could help yourself to a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up. Whatever works. Just don't come up in my house and insult me, or I'll be forced to do the same to you.

R: "You know boats don't have uvulas?"

G: "Yeah. Dragons have uvulas."

Roman: "Where did the Tardis go?"

Daddy: "The Tardis???"

Roman: "Yeah! Where'd it go? I want to play it."

Daddy: "... Um... do you mean the guitar?"

Roman: "Yes. [enunciating] Where. Did. The. Guitar. Just. Go."

Mommy and Daddy (in unison): "Ohhhhhhhh..."

Shut up and Drive

Me- "Do you guys know where we are going today? We'll be visiting lots of friends. First, we're going to see-"

R-(interrupting) "Um, Daddy?"

Me - "Yes?"

R - "Less talky. More drivey."

R - "I don't know where mommy is, Boogs. Do you?"

B - "I don't know." - voice gets raspy - "Only The Shadow knows..."

"I'm nommin' the PIGGIES out of these noodles!"

Boogie, commenting on the gustatory deliciousness of her afternoon repast.