If I Only Had a Brain

Romana: "Mom, I have two parts of my brain, and the man side says 'hey, baby' to the girl side. Yeah, my brain can talk."

Gaius: "Mom, my bwain don't talk."

That's Women's Work...

Just bought a case of Comice pears, and pissed off some old guy, but amused the hell out of the produce lady. "What are you going to do with a whole case of pears?" he says.

"Not that it's your business, but I have a decent size family that will eat them. If they ripen all at once, I'll can some."

"You can't can. Canning is women's work."

Raised eyebrow. "Really? I beg to differ. And I bet this lady would too."

She crosses her arms and awaits his reply.

"Everyone has their place. Men do the work, women do the housework, the cleaning, the canning."

"Huh. Well, I have been an at-home dad for the last six years. I love to cook, I love to can, I love my kids. I make soap. If that's women's work - sign me up to be a women!"

"Well, God has a purpose for all of us."

"Ohhhhh...okay then. We're gonna go now."

I personally don't believe there is any way to argue rational logic against religious conviction. It's like cars vs. a wombats bunghole. It makes no sense.

Boogie is having the boys sing angelic chorus whenever she enters the room.

I give you Zombie:The Musical

R:(singing)"BRAAAIIINS! I want your BRAAAIIINS!"

B:(Singing gruffly) "You can't have them. you can't have them. Dun dun dun dun."

R:(Singing higher) "BRAAAIIINS! I need BRAINS! Does anyone have brains for me to eat?!"

Gaius:(singing loudly and gruffly) "I godth brainth for you to EEEEEEEAAAAT!"

B:"And those brains are tasty and sweet."

R:"Gosh these brains taste a lot like meat!"

Gaius:"I godth bwainth fo you to EAT!"

The Good Earth

Holy crap! Just spent 4 hours in the garden with the kids without realizing it. Did have a couple OTHER realizations, though.

1. My kids make awesome helpers, but suck at gardening.

2. I hate having dirt under my fingernails, but also hate wearing gloves.

3. My nail polish kicks ass.

Home Alone 12

B:"Daddy, you need to go to the store and get eggs for me."

Me:"and what-leave you guys home alone?"

(simultaneously) B:"YES!" R:"NOOO!"

Me:"Curious. Why "NO", Roman?"

R:"Because, if you go, and we are here alone, we will do sneaky stuff."

B:"NUH-UH! I would just lay in my bed and be asleep."

R:"No, you said you would make pancakes. We would cook stuff. And paint. Maybe the house. And make coffee. And play Wii."

Me:"Wait- you've discussed this? And made PLANS?!"

(simultaneously) B:"NOOO!" R:"YES!"

Gaius:"You guys in twubble."

They're Heeeeeeere...

Apparently, my television likes to turn itself on and watch children's shows at the unholy buttcrack of dawn. I mean, I don't SEE anyone, so it must be the television. Wait- I hear giggling. Must be a ghost, then, because none of MY spawn would dare challenge a big, mean, scary, uncaffeinated ogre before the the sun has risen and that bitter nectar of sustenance has passed his lips.

It Was the One-Armed Man!

Trying to discourage Gaius from getting his hand stuck in the outdoor table umbrella hole:

Me: "If you stick your hand in there, it will get stuck and I'll have to cut through the table to get it out!"

Gaius: "Noooooo! You cut through table, 'den you cut through mine AWM!" [grabs arm] "And I say 'aaaaahhhh! My awm! My awm!'"

Me: "No! I would never cut through your arm!"

Gaius: "Yeah-huh! Maybe jus' my fingah."

Me: "I wouldn't cut ANYTHING, just the table to get your arm out!"

Gaius: "Nuh-UH! You cut my Awm off! And I say," [stumbles around dramatically and falls to his knees] "'My AWM!! My AWM!! Where my hand at?!?'

Skills

The kids were playing in their room when I peeked in and

overheard THIS:

R:"How do you make it so real?"

B:"First, I do this (hunches her shoulders) then this (causes

shoulders to shiver) and this (makes lower lip start to quiver

and tears well up in her eyes ON CUE ) and that's it."

R:"It's so GOOD!"

B:(flourishes and giggles)

Me:(Leaning against the doorframe)"REEEALLYYY..."

B:(jumps, startled, turns all doe-eyed, lower lip starts quivering)

Me:"Yeah- I just watched you teach your brother how to fake cry. No way in HELL I'm falling for it now."

That girl has mad skills. Now I just need to figure out how to channel her powers for the cause of good...

Patience, young Grasshopper

B:"Daddy, I'm sad, because I'm not grown up. I want to do grownup things."

Me: "Like what, honey?"

B: "Karate. I want to break bricks with my face."